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03/20/2007: "A little to someone..."
music: Rie Fu - I Wanna Go To A Place...
mood: Tired of existence...
"How dan dan! How are you, I'm sitting here going through all my old folders on my harddrive. We have really know each other for a long time eh? Since grade 9 to be exact (or atleast thats how far back my records go) and I've found some of the first layouts I ever made, and for some strange reason they have your name on them. Do you remember them? I do! AHAHA so long ago to me, yet it really isn't. I was going through everything, I found saved threads from AF, msn conversations with everyone. Kind of made me sad that I don't keep in touch with anyone anymore, not even you! Sitting here I remember when I made that "Stumbing In" icon for AF listening to Great Big Sea, and you telling me you never heard them before. So I sent you their music. I wonder if you still have them. BLAH! Who knows. It was so long ago. I remember when you had dannik.tk, and you had music playing, so I had to copy you and have music. I found all these old blog layouts. Even one from /Makoto on your server. I found an old DN Angel one I made for you, and old FF8, Naruto. And you know what they all had in common with each other, but not with yours? Mine were shitty and yours were good. I think you were just humoring me by telling me they were good! Ahahaha, man the good old days, just early teens, not knowing whats going to happen, not caring where we are going to be. Those days. Kinda makes you think doesn't it. I found some weird stuff, some cool stuff, stuff that pisses me off. No wonder I was never able to delete this stuff, its my memories of all my AF friends. Sorry I'm blabbing, I hope you don't mind, I don't think you will! I hope not :p Ah Great Big Sea, remember who I always made you listen to it :p Sorry I was so pushy and so HYPER then. I've kind of mellowed a little, but I hope I'm still the same funny guy. I just found how cynical I got after Kazha broke up with me. You were there for me! Thank you! My lifes kind of taken and turn, lots of drops, pick ups, stabs to the heart, but I'm still hanging in. I wonder how you are doing? Maybe you will respond to this. It doesn't really matter. I just really need someone to talk to ya know, I don't talk about whats wrong with me, whats making me up set, whats made my day, whats my new addiction. You were always there with that, thank you btw! So maybe we can't get on at the same time on msn to talk to one another, we are simply RETARDED, cause you can still email! I'm really retarded. Going through all this stuff has made me cry. I'm such a baby. Fuck sakes, sorry :p Wow I really typed a lot. You probably won't even read this, which is fine! No worries if you don't. I just started reflecting a lot. I've gotten a lot stronger over the years, different, changed, good, for worse who knows right?
Its good to see VD open again. You know I would have gladly taken over if I wasn't so busy with life, which kind of sucks you know. Life kind of has a way of kicking me down. I found this one txt file you sent me back in the day that says you didn't know your place in the world, that people are there for you, and you have no idea. Well I've gotten to that point now. Sorry I just need someone, or something to unload everything on my chest, its built up for so long... Hope you don't mind. You can always close it and I can pretend you read it. BAH! Anyway, I'm just no longer happy with who I have turned out to be. Like I went wrong and one mistake just changes my who being forever. I just wish this pain would go away, wish I could be whole again, but I know it won't, not as long as I'm stuck in this city. I just wish to start somewhere where no one will ask about my past, who only knows the old me, who won't push about the little stuff and just like me for the me they know and not the me that I know. It would make me feel so much better. I feel dead inside. Some days I don't, some days I do, some are inbetween. I can only distract myself for so long. I just keep questioning my character when I was so sure of what it was, it just changes, I want it to go back... I just know it never will.
Anyway, I hope to hear from you!"